This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: January 28, 2022
January 21
— Léon: The Himbofessional ☭ (@ArmAndUnionize) January 22, 2022
in case florence + the machine comes on shuffle pic.twitter.com/JmuYbvMA2U
— dave (@sweetbanisters) January 22, 2022
Sorry, but this is the greatest junk e-mail I've ever received. pic.twitter.com/bBlDKvtYXM
— Sam Shaw (@shawsam) January 21, 2022
Bruce Wayne in The Batman for almost 3 hours pic.twitter.com/TCvTpLPlxH
— Santi (@PATTINSON97M) January 21, 2022
Martin Scorsese https://t.co/hU0ZVBPTYw
— Jesse Hawken (@jessehawken) January 21, 2022
Reboot Frasier, but now he's a Juggalo pic.twitter.com/0Xeb6FRH99
— 2₥ł₴₮₳₭Ɇ 2฿₳฿Ɏ (@TokyoDilf) January 21, 2022
January 22
"ur so chill" thanks i gave up
— ً 🚶🏿♂️ (@cxrtezs) January 22, 2022
Succession is unrealistic because the characters are fancy billionaires, yet they never eat After Eights.
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) January 22, 2022
crying as soon as i enter this dimsum place pic.twitter.com/HMVsMyq1VV
— OnionHolic (@onion_holic) January 23, 2022
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
— Andy Field (@AndyAndyField) January 23, 2022
*45 minutes later*
She's still keeping pace. It's inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I'm begging her to stop but she can't hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
…I have to make this. pic.twitter.com/Fs7Oh7c0H3
— Aoife "Fe" Baker (@vivaciousvandal) January 22, 2022
Lmfaoooooo pic.twitter.com/IUXCm05lPn
— suck yuh mudda (@SupremeBrina) January 22, 2022
Taking 7 tabs of acid and looking at this pic.twitter.com/iwB5AJHzmk
— Cooper Lyden (@LydenCooper) January 23, 2022
blocking people isn't enough i want to send them into the shadow realm
— Kai💥 (@BRGhollywood) January 22, 2022
January 23
A crush is just a lack of information.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) January 24, 2022
Spirit of Halloween has effectively banned Tucker Carlson from ever returning to the store pic.twitter.com/FwGT5HIagd
— The Serfs (@theserfstv) January 24, 2022
Me today pic.twitter.com/TFcCS0SR2L
— Dr Cloutman-Green🕷 #FBPE (@girlymicro) January 23, 2022
Coming out of my cage a̶n̶d̶ ̶I̶'̶v̶e̶ ̶b̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶d̶o̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶f̶i̶n̶e̶ ̶ to get groceries and then it's right back in the cage
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) January 23, 2022
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner: pic.twitter.com/ggYesIb3dX
— Frank Lesser (@sadmonsters) January 24, 2022
— Emergency Workplace Organizing (@organizeworkers) January 23, 2022
Pretty wild coincidence that the best music ever made just so happens to be all of the stuff I listened to from the ages of 15 to 25
— Jeff May (@heytherejeffro) January 23, 2022
My doctor said my blood sugar is quite high, and I said that's odd, because my sex magik is quite low.
— Dave Merritt (@GoldenSeals) January 23, 2022
HOWWWWW IS THIS THE FINAL EDIT I'm DYINGGGG 😂😂😂 https://t.co/6R7dE6WQom
— Niccole Thurman (@niccolethurman) January 23, 2022
January 24
The tiny parchment notes my 3rd grader is passing to friends at school, sealed with the wax from her baybel cheese. pic.twitter.com/FH1kf8hdzY
— Elizabeth Marvel (@E_E_Marvel) January 24, 2022
When i was a kid i had bookmarks that did this https://t.co/jqyS0SoMfm
— Rochelle d (@rochellehd) January 24, 2022
The social contract we are all upholding to not spoil the day's Wordle has slightly restored my faith in humanity.
— Sarah Bessey (@SarahBessey) January 25, 2022
i've retired at 24! don't have any money saved up i just felt like not working
— summer 🖕 (@heaberald) January 24, 2022
Just to be clear: if I have degrees and am struggling with student debt I should've not wasted money on college and gotten a real job, but if I have a blue collar job and am struggling with low wages I should've gone to college and gotten a real job.
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) January 24, 2022
this picture/headline combo makes it sound like he cast a spell https://t.co/wTRm2vezHW
— brb (@funandnormal) January 25, 2022
i jus be chillin then my ear goes ᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉ
— T 🎯 (@CodeineFridge) January 24, 2022
Covid should just be called "Air" at this point
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) January 24, 2022
Leaving this here. pic.twitter.com/34JmOC9WRk
— Karine Jean-Pierre (@K_JeanPierre) January 24, 2022
January 25
Really incredible what the human body is capable of like how I can be 7 minutes late to a meeting that's happening on my laptop sitting next to me on the couch
— connor Wood (@fibulaa) January 25, 2022
⬛️⬛️⬛️⬛️⬛️
— Dr. Ji Y. Son (@cogscimom) January 26, 2022
⬛️⬛️⬛️⬛️⬛️
⬛️⬛️⬛️⬛️⬛️
⬛️⬛️⬛️⬛️⬛️
Not wordle, just a zoom class.
I took a pic of Mark Ruffalo on the subway while he was taking pics of my 👠👠…which he then posted on Insta https://t.co/ReB9gl9Zca pic.twitter.com/alaKKq1p5U
— Isabel Sandoval (@Isabelvsandoval) January 26, 2022
When Harrison Ford was asked if Han Solo was a Force ghost in 'The Rise of Skywalker', his answer was 'I have no fucking idea what a Force ghost is. And I don't care' pic.twitter.com/Wy4sEOfezr
— Film Facts 🎬 (@Factsonfilm) January 25, 2022
— Jason Alward 🍊 (@Jason_Alward) January 25, 2022
i got rejected from a job and google wants me to reply with, "bummer!" pic.twitter.com/n6WZhBfdpf
— mary heisey (@mary_heisey) January 25, 2022
just accidentally used my morning moisturizer instead of my nighttime moisturizer. fuck my life i'm going to be up for HOURS
— charlie (@chunkbardey) January 26, 2022
you should always drive around with your hazards on. driving a car is incredibly dangerous
— joey garcia (@NotJosephGarcia) January 25, 2022
Boy that escalated quickly pic.twitter.com/ADNAzAzDw5
— Julicorn (@ChicksRule) January 25, 2022
screaming at the last line of this pic.twitter.com/UBT8JzUB0x
— brittany spanos (@ohheybrittany) January 26, 2022
moving is a rare circumstance in which the thing itself might actually be as bad as the dread of the thing
— "hannah" "seidlitz" (@HannahSeidlitz) January 25, 2022
January 26
guy that's only lived in apartments moves into a house for the first time
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) January 26, 2022
pic.twitter.com/XyyN0LtT3Q
customers really come up to me and ask "when this whole covid thing gonna be over?" Lmfao bro idk let me go ask my manager
— 𝗕𝗿𝗲𝗲𝘇𝘆'😵💫 (@OvOBrezzzy) January 26, 2022
NEVER stop the grind pic.twitter.com/rSciMBjPse
— novice conjurer (@cityafreaks) January 27, 2022
I think a positive development in society is that we all now hate Bell Let's Talk Day.
— Jess Beaulieu (@msjessbeaulieu) January 26, 2022
Today my doctor said "you look extra pale, have you been feeling okay?" and I responded "this is just how I look in January" and she wrote that down.
— Kim Quindlen (@kimquindlen) January 26, 2022
I matched with D*admau5 a month or so ago on online dating and within an hour he made two R Kelly related jokes about me visiting his place https://t.co/20r3CZe33x
— Robin Hatch (@robinhatch) January 26, 2022
— lux (@luvluxlol) January 26, 2022
Graphic Designer 1: Hey how can we make sure kids won't buy this album
— Kenny Keil (@kennykeil) January 26, 2022
Graphic Designer 2: What if we added the hardest fucking logo mankind has ever created? pic.twitter.com/r2zZWc2rNz
wearing a tuxedo to record a podcast is like something an 8th grader would do pic.twitter.com/ykZwetNuX8
— ben "darth normal" flores (@limitlessjest) January 26, 2022
I too cry when speaking about fifteen minute blues-rock covers of Ghost Riders In The Sky. pic.twitter.com/HvwE0pQFcF
— Victor Berger IV (@VicBergerIV) January 27, 2022
January 27
This is still the best Joe Rogan take pic.twitter.com/40tIfswjyF
— Nathan Bernard (@nathanTbernard) January 27, 2022
Joe Rogan couldn't write Cortez The Killer but Neil Young could google stuff he doesn't understand live on air while getting basic facts wrong if he cared to do so
— Paul Duane 🍥 (@paulduanefilm) January 27, 2022
Say what you want about Peterson but he has a point here pic.twitter.com/4VSqY7m7Vr
— atrophy wife 🎀 (@zuza_real) January 27, 2022
— Conservatives Getting Owned (@cons_owned) January 27, 2022
my question about NFT apes… have people never seen anything before?
— SARAH SQUIRM (@SarahSquirm) January 27, 2022
one time when i worked as a host at a fancy restaurant in LA, joaquin phoenix's people called to try to book him a last minute table for that night and i said "more like walk-in phoenix" and they literally hung up on me
— trash jones (@jzux) January 27, 2022
There's something hilarious about getting so mad you drive to Ottawa. That's like something a sitcom dad would do.
— Jordan Foisy (@JordanFoisy) January 28, 2022
Hey! Look! Did you see that massively huge convoy of health workers who has gone in to work each & every day to provide healthcare for vulnerable people amidst staffing shortages, snowstorms & a raging pandemic? Yeah...shoutout to that convoy. That convoy is the best. 🙌🏾
— Naheed Dosani (@NaheedD) January 27, 2022